The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
