Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
