i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
