I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
