Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I AM VODKA MAN
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You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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