Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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