I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
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New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
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My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize