Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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