A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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