True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The Olympian is in my bed
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
