I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
