FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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