My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
