As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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