I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
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Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
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You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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