Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
this will be a night to untag.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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