I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
