our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
