my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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