P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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