Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
