Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
