Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
