I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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