Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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