Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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