Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
