apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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