I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
