If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
