found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
