My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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