my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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