As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
