I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
