I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
