I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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