Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
