i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
