Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
