They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
