You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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