My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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