the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
