SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
