I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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