I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
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I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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