Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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