you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
