My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
