And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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