I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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