Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
